Emotional Healing, Uncategorized

Sync and Repeat: Through Poison Fog to A Moment of Joy

Ashes to Fishes, Dust to Rust – Make Like a Phoenix and Rise You Must
Meditative painting that just happened last night, on December 8th 2019

Note: I wrote this post when I first moved to the Sunshine Coast, rented the space for Brujeria and started planning my path. It’s been waiting patiently to find its moment. Now is the right time to release it.

It doesn’t matter who I was.  I’m turning a new page, looking onto a new day and closing the books on the past.  I find myself not at a crossroad anymore, but at a place where I am consciously trying to find my path back to today.  Moving to Gibsons and Brujeria are my attempt at living instead of grasping at a future.  I’m on the other side of pain and though nothing is ever perfect I’m ready to share, shed my own fears and just be.  

Happiness, I have come to realize, is a chase for most humans.  It’s the pursuit of something that will finally make us able to enjoy our days.  It turns out, happiness simply is TODAY.  

Sure, the past is where we learned our lessons and it shall never cease to affect us, we can all readily accept that.  We also have to accept that it has ceased to exist.  We cannot change it.

Then, there is the future, an elusive minx, right there ahead of us, never to be caught or clearly seen. A creature permanently around a bend, and no amount of mirrors can show us a glimpse of it.  It too fails to exist, just yet, so the trick is not to get too caught up in that either.

We have all heard of or thought up our own versions of the old cliche that begs you to live today, seize the day, and be in in the moment.  Yet time and again, we forget and need to be reminded and realigned to the present.

It’s a simple sync, one might think, but alas, the simplest of tasks prove to be hardest to master.  We humans are at an evolutionary disadvantage for we find it very hard to live in the moment. We have a capacity think, question and analyze while other animals can just BE.  A blessing and a curse in a actuality.  With the ability to think analytically, we humans gain to ability to dream up amazing creations we call art, solely to beautify the moment.  Art is impractical, but it makes most of us happy.  A completely practical world would be unimaginably depressive and oppressive.

Impracticalities are the basis of wonder and joy.  As kids, we were impractical, a source of worry, sleepless nights and also infinite joy for our parents.  Everything we did, we did because we wanted to enjoy existing.  While we must learn to feed and protect and clothe ourselves as we get older, we mustn’t become too practical as we advance into life.

Being too practical is living for the future only.  Therefore it’s the clearest sign that it’s time to stop and reset our clocks to NOW. Clear the fog from our eyes and see what’s in front of us. If there is nothing in this moment that can give us joy or make us grateful, perhaps we are in an educational stage of our lives.

Educational stages are usually times of pain after loss (of people, of things, of our dreams, our inner child, our capability to cope etc.).  They can last minutes, days or years, but if we can find the strength to push through, we will make it to the other side.  And when we are going through these stages, the other side is where our moment is waiting for us. 

Here’s the paradoxical part:

We now must cling to future happiness, but we also have to live through the pain.  It might seem contradictory to the philosophy I’m trying to advocate, but it’s temporary. These are growing pains. What really helps get through is to try and get your lessons and thoughts out of your head and onto the paper. I strongly recommend journalling. It could just be bullet points or doodles. This is for you only, so don’t stress about the format.

If you’re going through the one of these tough stages, remember this:

This moment too will become the past and your moment will come and your today will be exactly where you find your happiness.

That being said, change is absolutely what is needed if your moment is a rut.  You must move to today, suffer and grow; you must at least crawl to the other side of this fog. While it’s not easy or enjoyable, it’s completely possible and necessary.  If you dull the pain and not face it, you will not get through it.

The amazing thing is that once you start crawling, you will want to walk; and once you’re upright, you will want to fly.  On the other side of the fog, you will look back and wave goodbye to those joyless moments gone. Your pain will cease to exist and you can see your present and feel joy again.

 At times you will again have to walk through forests of practicality filled with poison fog.  No matter what age or life-stage you’re at, you can always re-learn to be and to do (just like you did when you were a kid) and to wade through the responsibilities, expectations and anxieties.  You can always realign to the moment.

May you always find your path back to wonder.


Believe, Create and Stay Real / A Loose Guide to Manifesting a Better Life and a Better World

Hi.  This is my truth:

I’m supposed to be an adult.  I try.  I have anxiety.  I can be dark and real sometimes and light and fluff other times, but I’m supposed to be an adult, a woman, even and calm, grateful and compassionate. I do my best. I try, but it’s hard. Being an adult is harder than adults tell you when you’re a kid or even a young adult or they tell you and you just don’t give a fuck. Either way, it’s hard to cope with existential crisis, financial responsibilities and physical changes. If you’re under 30, you may not relate to that point. It’s OK, you will. One day, sooner than you think.

That was dark, but I don’t care. It’s a part of me and it’s a part of you.

Pushing to have faith in myself helps get me through:

I identify as a witch – always have. Just came out of the broom closet a couple years ago. I believe that we all have magic within and we can only access it if we believe.  Believing is so fucking hard.  I’m also super skeptical about all things religious and I think everything can be explained with science, though we (humans) haven’t figured everything out just yet. I’m a nerd who has a telescope, a witch, a gypsy soul from far far away, a magical conduit of knowledge, and yet I’m irreligious as they come. I’m an oxymoron, but not a moron. Maybe sometimes.  Aren’t we all?

Healing is a constant process:

I’m not here to pretend to be the best or the prettiest or to have my shit together 100%.  I want to love myself fully and that only happens if I’m someone I can love. That requires constant growth. I’m here to share what I know and the truths or lies I discover about life.  I see so much connection, so much beauty and so much pain.  We are here for such a short time and we suffer so much because of the way we react.  I want to help myself and other fellow existential sufferers.  I want to share my magic so you might harness yours.  I want to share my art and processes, so you may be inspired to make yours.  I know that letting yourself create is almost as hard as believing in yourself, but it’s the only way to healing in my experience.

The path that led me here will lead me to you and more people like you.

This will be a journey:

A journey to become someone the child I used to be would be proud of.  Destination is fulfilment and self-awareness without guilt.  The journey might include a bunch of philosophizing, recipes, art tutorials, rituals, guided-meditations and tools to help you discover or rediscover the you that you will love.  If you already love the shit out of yourself, well, then I hope I can inspire you to stay on track.  I sometimes have a hard time staying on track, but I’m getting better and I want this blog to be my track.  A visible place where I can see a path and if I have people who join the journey, perhaps they will help me too.

Before the internet, we didn’t know about everyone else’s feelings to this extent.  We didn’t discuss how broken we all were.  Now we know.  It’s OK, because in a world where Robin Williams died by suicide, we need to stop pretending and start acknowledging.  We need to accept the beauty of the imperfection within because perfection doesn’t exist when it comes to the mind.  We need to talk to each other, connect and stay real.  Staying real is the third hardest thing.

I have so many questions:

If we all were more mindful and kind to each other, more fulfilled and lived lives we didn’t need a vacation from, wouldn’t we all be better off?  Wouldn’t we be less angry, more generous, more compassionate and forgiving, if we didn’t judge ourselves by standards we couldn’t possibly live up to?  Wouldn’t the world be a better place if we all became people we could love?  

And I have some answers, but not all:

I know it seems idealistic, but it’s also as selfish as they come.  Money, success and Botox will not ultimately save you from yourself.  The path to salvation is not through rules and books written thousands of years ago, it’s within us.  This is my path to my salvation. A revolution of one. Will you join me on the path to become a better human?

So much about me and my past that has taught me lessons, but I had to stop and learn them.  I will tell you tidbits if needed, otherwise, that’s all behind me.  I don’t want this to be a fully dark place where we wallow in past hurts and forget to move on.  I want this blog to exude hope and joy, but acknowledge the dark side.  Ignoring it and not learning from our darknes and our pain will lead to darker days.  Hold my hand if you’re out there and put down your guard.  Together we can heal ourselves and the world.

Rose (a.k.a. Bruja Rosada)